"I want to start over. I want to be winning."

"Looking for somewhere to stand and stay, I leaned on the wall and the wall leaned away."  

- The National

I am pretty exhausted right now.  Let's just say that I feel sorry for the future spouses of some of the roommates I've had over the years; they make loud, weird, and sometimes scary noises in their sleep, and if I were lying next to them, I think I'd be tempted to use the pillow to end their misery.

Besides being exhausted, I'm kind of feeling melancholic at the moment.  Work was good today, other than the struggle to remain alert.  We had a Cinco de Mayo party, and it was fun and we ate good food.  I played a round of disc golf, and while my score wasn't as good as my previous two games, I still scored under sixty.  Also, I nearly lost a disc in the treacherous mess of shrubs and trees, but Jared was able to spot it and save me from dishing out $15 to replace the disc.  

No, my melancholy is of a different sort.  Basically, I'm tired, as I've been for some time, of purely platonic relationships.  I'm tired of unrequited interest and fruitless infatuation, of being "a footnote at best."  My problem, as I've concluded, is that, when it comes to infatuation, I:

• do not do enough to translate infatuation into action, or do what it takes to make my infatuation more apparent.
• remain infatuated for too long, especially when nothing is coming of it.
• become infatuated with girls that are, most likely, out of my league; I think part of my problem is that I like girls that are really quite amazing (smart, beautiful, talented, etc.), and I can't just say, "Oh, she's stupid cuz she doesn't like me," and then forget about her.

Nonetheless, I have to keep hoping that eventually I will meet someone that interests me and that interest will be reciprocated.  The National song "Slow Show" ends with an extremely beautiful combination of lyrics and melody that I hope will someday be true in my case.  The words are:  "You know I dreamed about you for twenty nine years before I saw you.  You know I dreamed about you.  I missed you for twenty nine years."

I firmly believe that it's better to be alone than to be with the wrong person, so at least I have that on my side.  I didn't get to be twenty-five and single by being impatient or desperate.  I do feel a little better just writing this.  I'll keep telling myself that everything will fall into place in the right time.  

It has to.