Words and dreams and a million screams

With a present need for direction, I turn to the past.

Originally written 26 December 2006:

Life has an ironic sense of humor, and it loves to point out the ironies of my existence.  There are certain things that I yearn for, that I long to have in my life, and yet I'm constantly being reminded that I'm incapable of obtaining those things.  My true self is riddled with contradictions, paradoxes, and unanswerable questions.  Why am I this way?  Why can't I do this or that?  

I want nothing more than to feel accepted by others.  I want to truly be a valuable addition to others' lives, to know that I am appreciated and that others need my company.  In some way I suppose that I'm searching for meaning and justification in my life and my choices.  Yet all the while life hits me upside the head and screams into my ear that I have to make my way through life on my own...

No man is an island, or so they say, though I feel like I am some uncharted desert isle that no one knows about nor will ever discover, and this frightens me...  The future is some horribly bleak unknown that I'm involuntarily nearing with each passing day.

Let's get a little more irony up in here with something written 25 May 2002:

It seems nothing ever changes in my life.  Through the characters of the story seem to come and go, the plot remains the same.  Like a bad sit-com, my life seems destined for re-runs.  Everything that has happened to me will happen again, only in a less comical fashion.

While these words may strike you as a bit melodramatic or over-the-top, I find them quite helpful.  They've reminded me this evening of some important personal truths, and those reminders have helped me resolve to put an end to my mediocrity and complete lack of create productivity.  I hereby resolve to do what it takes, sacrifice what I must, and prioritize my life that thereby I might achieve the things I feel I am capable of achieving.  I'm too tired and frustrated with myself to continue on in blissful ignorance.  The bubble surrounding me since graduation one year ago, no matter how small and trivial it may have been, has burst, and the scales have fallen from my eyes.  It is, as I said to Janessa tonight, better to move closer to achieving success and personal fulfillment on one front than continue toiling in futility on another front.

This may appear vague and cryptic to some of you (most of you, I'd presume), but let it suffice me to say that it is time for me to write.  And not in a write-more-often-in-my-blog kind of way.  I am talking about serious creative writing, the writing I wish to do for the rest of my life, the writing I hope will help me make a living and maybe, just maybe, bring some good into this world.  I have been coasting for too long, enjoying an unproductive life of (typically) superficial interaction, as if I didn't know any better.  I may have buried my head in the sand, but the rain and wind have finally eroded away enough of that sand that I am now seeing clearly (though perhaps still upside-down).  It's time to see things clearly and do what I am meant to do.

More on my personal ideas and feelings concerning writing and art will be coming soon.