After more than a year of preparing and conceptualizing and over-thinking and hesitating, I've finally begun rewriting my long lost novel. That's right. I actually wrote some words today.The funny thing is: it wasn't a lie. I really did put pen to paper and compose a few paragraphs. (Hey, that's all I could manage in the short time I had available before hanging out with some friends from work).
My relationship with A Certain Kind of Weird, my unfinished and oft-neglected novel, has been going nearly ten years, which strikes me as particularly insane. I could write at length about that journey, and believe me, I have filled many notebook pages about it, but it suffices me to say that I am both excited and intimidated by the fact that the rewrite has officially begun.
I do not feel adequately prepared to undertake this journey. I have not written as extensively or as frequently as I need to, and I haven't been reading as much either. (How ridiculous is it that I read more on my own as a student than I have in the years since graduating?) It dawned on me, and I suppose that I've always known deep down, that I would never feel totally prepared to undertake a novel. No amount of reading or prewriting or conceptualizing would eliminate the uncertainty and doubt I feel regarding my writing abilities and my chances of becoming a real (i.e. published) writer.
A couple realizations led me to actually beginning the rewrite yesterday:
- A first draft is going to be rough - in fact, it should be. The point is not to produce a perfect draft right away; the point is to just produce a draft. Fixating on quality at this early stage will lead to hyperconsciousness and will ultimate stifle my creativity.
- I have worried about finding the right voice for the novel, but I realize that as long as I develop the voice at some point, even if it's only at the end of the novel, then I can be pleased with my work. I can then edit and revise the novel to incorporate the desired voice. What I really need to focus on with the first draft is getting the plot and characters out of my head and down onto the paper. Once those elements are in place, the others (voice, style, setting, tone, etc.) will follow.
- The only thing separating writers from those that aspire to write is that writers actually write. I still don't know if this irrepressible feeling that I need to write will amount to anything in the end, but I just can't sit back anymore. One reason I decided to start writing yesterday is that I've grown tired of holding back and not progressing. I lie in bed at night and think about my novel, usually focusing on the characters and specific scenes. I actually compose paragraphs in my head as I drift off to sleep -- I'd probably have written a couple novels by now if I could somehow record those silent late night paragraphs.
So we'll see how well this endeavor moves forward. For the record: I actually wrote again today (two days in a row - huzzah!) and while it's not much, I find it encouraging.
I created another blog last year that I plan on using to document my experience with this project. I will alternate between posting something specific about my novel and other general thoughts about writing and my personal experience. All are welcome to read that blog, and if you do decide to follow it, please feel free to leave comments. I have found that discussing my writing with others acts as a huge motivation to write more. It probably gets annoying quickly for everyone but me, but it is one of my favorite things to do.
To paraphrase a great moment from the Simpsons, it's time to "move forward, not backward, upward not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards [writing a book]".
